[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
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Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
bout dat hot dog summer
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind: