ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Saw your ex at the shops
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Worst perfume name ever.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.