I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
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I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Teens – Slay all day
20s – RosĂ© all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out