me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
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A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
こいつ天才
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?