ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
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YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.