Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
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“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire