ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
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My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I’ve had relationships like this
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.