Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
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Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Perfection.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again