ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
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Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
the last thing a carrot sees
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.