Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
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It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.