[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
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The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.