[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )