Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
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Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Good morning.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
2022 will be better than 2021