Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
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Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
When you let grandma cat sit
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I am, perchance
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned