Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
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15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.