Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
You Might Also Like
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once