Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
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My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
an airline just for babies.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.