me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
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A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
synchronized noseblowing
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?