When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.