Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything