[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.