Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
You Might Also Like
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!