Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
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This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Eat…
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.