Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
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Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Genius idea!!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
that de-escalated quickly
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
who wore it better?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
“OMGJK” -atheists