Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
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I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers