Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
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[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Who chose this font
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.