Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
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Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
The future is now.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!