@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: What did I ask you to do? Me: Love you forever? W: M: Kill a man to defend you honor? W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER I was getting there.

@TheTimmyToes: BARTENDER: the usual? ME: *nods* *bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

@YesThatAmy: Nobody in this grocery store thinks I'm a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

@omgthatspunny: This is so cornknee

@ImABaconDonut: One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.