@thepatrickwalsh: Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn't include the word "hotshot."

@michelleDbelle: My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

@PaperWash: I'm sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That's your new name now, there's nothing we can do about it.

@tararose711: My 3yo's bedtime stories include: "Three-Hour Run-On Sentence," followed by, "Ask For a Drink 500 Times," and finally, "You Skipped a Page."

@ChrisRGun: I don't hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.