ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry