A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Unimpressed
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist