Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
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they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Everyone’s family