Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
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me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
12. I think about this all the damn time
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.