Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
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me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early