Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?