Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Spell check is for lasers.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Boom, boom, ching!