Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
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back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Mhm.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands