Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
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On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Watson was Holmes schooled
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War