What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
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Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
💻🤡
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos