Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
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GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Great acting.. 😂
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.