*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
You Might Also Like
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
how to exercise your calf muscles
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.