ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera