[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
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very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
What?
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Sunday
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no