Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
You Might Also Like
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.