Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.