Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
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CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
She: I like Cats
He:
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.