me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
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Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
The glockness monster
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs