ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
The prophecy is fulfilled
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.