me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Still cracks me up
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.