*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
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how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
*checks Timeline*…
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal