What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
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my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…