Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
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While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.